Happiness is something I talk about a lot on here. A few blog posts ago, I wrote about the power of choice; asking the question ‘if we were able to view all of our actions as a choice could it result in greater happiness?’

I really believe this to be true, but I don’t believe it to be easy.  It’s not a natural inclination to take a step back in moments of distress or unhappiness and ask ourselves ‘why’. Why am I feeling this way? Why doesn’t it feel good? Is it something I can control or is it an affect of something else? And if the latter, how can I change my perspective and my reaction to make for a more enjoyable day.

While I believe in my deepest being that we can change our perception to manifest what we want and control our state of mind, I also know that sometimes there are just shitty days.  The days when you don’t want to try to feel good. The days when the funk takes over. I get it – I’m human.

But, if we can gain the willpower to view our actions as choices and change our perspective the majority of the time, it will result in a better outlook the majority of the time.  The best part is, just like anything practice results in habit, so there more we can do this for ourselves, the more natural it will feel.

Coming to this realization and putting it to practice didn’t come easily for me.  I didn’t wave a magic wand and gain perspective, clarity, and control over my mental being, and to be honest it’s still a work in progress. Every. Single. Day.

Until about a year ago, I was stressed and running myself into the ground. My mind was running a million miles a minute, I was maxing out my schedule, I was putting so much pressure on myself to be everything to everyone and do everything, and I couldn’t stop.

It’s almost like I was addicted to being stressed; like my body and my mind didn’t know how to get another way. Although, I’ve never been through full testing, I did have some testing done by a functional medicine doctor and my thyroid levels were off.  Still, I pushed forward

This is just New York City life right – aren’t we supposed to be too tired, too stressed. It’s sooo sexy.

So about a year and  half ago, I was on a work trip in Miami.  At this point, I had been to Miami a few times and had learned to love it.  I found my favorite food spots, a Soul Cycle instructor (oh hey REEEEED) I love, smoothie bars, SUP rental shops and found my favorite running path on the boardwalk.  Last year on the way back from kayaking on the bayside and going to eat at Paradigm Kitchen (now sadly closed), I wanted to stop into Anthropologie to buy a Christmas gift for a friend.  I looked at my watch, “yep, time to walk the extra .5 mile to anthro and then mile back to the beach to get a little bit more sun in time to order some food for the flight, still catch rays, pack up and you know, really enjoy my time.”

At this point, I had gotten so good at fitting so much into small amounts of time.  It was almost like I had tricked time and I was winning.  

Not for long.

Off I go to Anthro, it’s decked out for Christmas, which I love, and I really get in the Christmas spirit wandering the aisles, checking the time on my phone every 5 seconds, thinking of everything I want to do when I get home to prepare for the festivities.  I find the gift I want and head to the check-out.

Barcode scanned. Insert my chip. Take bag. Walk out.  Insert chip.  Take bag. Walk out.

Something’s missing here. Ah, yes. My credit card.

In full transparency, this is not a single occurrence. I don’t like to say that I’ve lost things per se because I know where they are…I have left my credit card at countless bars, in the back of pants before going into the wash, and who knows where else.  I’ve left my passport on a plane, my phone on the counter in a restaurant in the middle of France, and double check my lights being off every single morning.  I’ve even gottan half way to work and turned around.

So what does loosing things have to do with stress? It took me awhile to realize why I was misplacing things and bringing myself near tears when I felt like I couldn’t fit everything in, and it’s actually more than you might imagine.

I find that when I’m stressed and anxious, I pack more into my schedule than I can handle out of control, which perpetuates the stress. I don’t fully enjoy what’s happening in my life in that moment. I run from one thing to the next and lose the ability to live in the moment.  It’s almost like an out of body experience going through the motions of life without actually feeling it.

Not only does this have a negative impact on my mindset, mood, and yes, waistline, my spiking cortisol levels affect the most important thing to me: my relationships. The ability to be present, calm, and mindful is when I have the best, most meaningful conversations with the people I love, and what is more important than that?

After too many wake-up calls and signs from the universe, I finally realized:

1. This doesn’t feel good.
2. It doesn’t have to be my normal.

So how in our busy ‘stress is sexy’ life can we recognize our wake-up calls and take action?

Here are the 3 steps to greater calm I’ve learned from my experience

But before you get started, I ask for your faith.  Simply reading through these tips and acknowledging them isn’t enough. In order for any of these to be effective, you have to believe and be committed to getting what you deserve and desire.  I don’t mean to be harsh, but I want to be realistic.  Change doesn’t just happen.  Change takes effort, and I know you have it in you.

Step 1

Recognize Your Patterns

For me, it’s my mind running a million miles a minute (ten tabs open at all times!) it’s losing things, forgetting things that people tell me, not remembering if I turned the oven off after making sweet potato fries, and not enjoying the things that I typically look forward to.  Other things that are indicators that you may have taken it one step too far are fatigue, fogginess, depression, the need to control, feeling upset over typically insignificant things, or feeling unsettled.

 

Step 2

Ask Yourself What Makes You Feel Good

Like truly GOOD.  Not the things that you feel like you ‘should’ do.  These are the things that make you feel like you’re living your life on purpose and engaging in life with intention.  We often engage because of ‘should’s’ and what makes us feel good today might be different than what made us happy last year or even yesterday – that’s okay and normal!

 

You can even write these things down to hold yourself accountable.  Stop doing the things that make you feel like shit.  My thing is, if whatever you’re choosing to do or not do keeps you in the good human zone, keep moving my friend.  If you find that you’ve fallen into a self-indulgent rabbit hole, climb your way back out and reassess.

 

Step 3

Hailey’s Path to Calm  

Slow the F Down

You don’t HAVE to run around the city like a chicken with your head cut off.

You don’t HAVE to bake cookies, meal prep for the whole week, get a pedicure, buy the baby shower gifts, go to happy hour, and workout all in one-day.  In fact, if you can fit all of these things in, be in the moment, and truly enjoy, page me and let me in on your secrets immediately.

When I started planning less in my days and putting less pressure on myself to be everything to everyone, the things I did do seemed to be a lot more fun. Honestly, it was like night to day, like a flip was switched and life felt GOOD.  There are still days when I feel stressed and like there’s too much to do, but now, I’ll often just say ‘well that’s going to have to wait for another day’.  The best part is when I didn’t do something, I woke up the next day and life looked pretty much the same.  Life didn’t fall a part. Game Changer.

Know Your Goals & Prioritize

Do you prioritize your tasks at work? My guess is yes.

You focus on the items that are most pressing and relevant to the bottom and you spend your budget on the things that will provide the highest ROI.

Do the same for your life!

What are your goals for life – ie. what brings the most joy to your bottom line? What lights your fire?

Is it spending time with friends and cultivating meaningful connections? Or engaging in a passion or a hobby? Working out? Cooking? Reading? Writing? Kissing? Traveling? Something totally different?

This is the good stuff, my friend.  This is the time-worthy shit you should try to do more of.

Be Kind To Yourself

If you’re really hard on yourself and put endless amounts of pressure by setting unrealistic or above the bar expectations for yourself, then you’re not alone.  Truly, you are not.  I know from the outside looking in, it can feel like other people have it all together and their lives are in complete working order.  Often times, this is an illusion.  Everyone, and I mean everyone’s life could use a little WD40.

So give yourself a break; cut yourself some slack.  We’re all out there doing the best we can.

I engage in quite a bit of negative self-talk.  “I can’t believe you didn’t get that done”; “You really should XYZ”, but I am now able to catch myself when it happens.  When I do, I stop, and tell myself It’s okay.  I actually say that to myself  “it’s okay” or “let it go”.  It may seem elusive, but putting this into practice on a regular basis has calmed my nervous system and helped me engage with the world in a more graceful way.

I am 100% confident that if you first believe that you deserve to feel good more often, and you commit to taking action, you can find a place of calm which will bring more happiness to your life.

Finding this place will help you not only feel happier in your life and in your skin, but it can improve your relationships, your mental health, and the way you view the world.

How do you find inner calm to improve your happiness? Let me know in the comments below. I’m always looking for new tips!