Have you ever been to a class for the first time and the instructor energetically asks…

‘Who’s a first timer?’ and you reluctantly raise your hand…afraid that you might be the only one? Wondering how it’s possible that you’re the ONLY one in a class of 40 who’s new? And then frightened that you’ll be the only one who doesn’t know what they hell they’re doing…how embarrassing….

OR maybe you don’t raise your hand pretending you’re NOT a first-timer.

…Or in another scenario you’re on a date with someone you think you might actually like. (Finally!) And when you start sharing things about yourself, your family, or your past, you get a pit in your stomach and freeze up.

‘If they know this about me, they might not like me/think I’m cool/etc.’

Even though I don’t think I fully identified or connected my feelings and thought processes in the moment,  I’ve been in both of those situations and many more where I had the opportunity to activate my vulnerability.

MOMENTS THAT I DIDN’T TAKE. 

A couple of months ago, I was pit-stopping in San Diego, mid 2-week cali trip, visiting one of my best friends.

We were on a serious yoga bender.  As we finished up a class at Bird Rock (love that place!), there was a woman standing at the reception after class who was talking to the gals at the reception about how nervous she was to be there because it was her first time.

And then they shouted on the loudspeaker…ATTN! We’ve got a first-timer in the house. JUST KIDDING. They didn’t do that 🙂

Beyond telling them it was her first time, she was sharing that she was embarrassed because she had no idea what clothes to wear or what yoga mat to buy, but she was just simply excited to be there because she was working on getting her health back on track.

As we walked down the stairs to hop in the car and head home…I said ‘I LOVE that.’ My friend said, I KNOW. We both knew exactly what I was referring to.  This woman let her guard down, released her inhibitions and was so authentic. To me, this was admirable.

It got me thinking a lot about vulnerability.  

Vulnerability: the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.

Or a preferred definition by Brene Brown, a woman you’ll hear from a lot during the post:

“I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. With that definition in mind, let’s think about love. Waking up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can’t ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment’s notice, who may be loyal to the day they die or betray us tomorrow—that’s vulnerability.” I’ve been in those types situations before where I’ve found it hard to just be myself.

Exposing myself – uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure are hard for me. And, I think, for a lot of people.

I have been in countless situations where I’ve chosen not to be vulnerable to ‘save face’ for lack of a better phrase. 

Situations where I’ve wanted to ask or thought of a question but feared it would make me look ‘dumb’, so instead pretended like I knew the answer…

“How do you pronounce ‘quinoa’...is it ki-noah?”

“Ah yes, the perennials this time of year”

Situations where I’ve wanted to really let loose, dance a little harder, say something that might sound strange or yes, pretended I’ve been at the class before so I don’t seem like a ‘beginner’.  Soul Cycle is relatively unforgiving to this 😉

Since this shared moment with my friend, my curiosity and interest in how we express our vulnerability affects our experiences piqued my interest and has me asking the question…

does our inability to be more vulnerable hold us back from fully experiencing our life.

I say yes.

The next time the concept of vulnerability showed up for me was in a conversation with a friend (with whom I have the absolute BEST conversations).  I don’t even remember how vulnerability because the topic of conversation, but we (HE) decided we’d play a game. One-for-one, we shared the things that make us feel most vulnerable.

I dare you to play this with your friends at the next dinner party you go to. It’s HARD and kind of sucks.

But, it was during this conversation that I realized truly how hard vulnerability is for me. Not only did I feel uncomfortable and hoped the Seamless order would show up mid-conversation or that I could slowly evaporate into the 100 degree humidity, I couldn’t think of what made me feel vulnerable because I tend to push these emotions so far down into my soul.

To be honest, even writing this post is giving me a run for my money. My uncomfortable mind is wandering to what I’m going to cook for dinner; what [fill in the blank] is up to on Instagram; or if it’s time to take my laundry out.

But, this is such an important conversation for us, in our interconnected, digital world, to have.

Here’s why:

• Passion.
• Confidence.
• Self-Worth.
• Love.
• Happiness.
• Joy.
• Courage.
• Trust.

^^ = things I want. How about you?

I think and talk about them a lot. I think they’re some of the most important things to have for a fulfilled well-lived life.

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” Brene Brown (duh.)

If vulnerability is the essence of all the things then we want, then isn’t allowing ourselves to be seen truly the only way to cultivate a well-lived life?

When I think about it, when I was a kid, I was soo vulnerable. I was pretty much a blank slate, and my underexposure to life, context, and situations enabled me to expose myself more. I didn’t care if anyone liked my clothes, my haircut, or my earrings, I wore what I wanted (painstakingly to my mother).  I would talk to anyone and ask so many questions, sometimes people thought they wouldn’t end.

But now, I’m 31 have experienced some really awesome things and find it really hard to be vulnerable.

While there’s always work to be done, I would consider myself a pretty perceptive, relatively self-aware person. When I’m out and about, or scrolling around Instagram, or reading articles online, I take in everything that’s happening often internally labeling ‘good’, ‘bad, ‘likeable’, ‘unlikeable’ using a variety of adjectives.

Through this lens I create a perception of myself trying to ensure that I match the traits and qualities that I so badly want to live up to. There’s a sense of desired perfection that I, and so many others strive to achieve everyday, in every aspect of life.  When I feel like I’m not reaching this sense of perfection or achievement, I start feeling fearful, rigid and controlling, unworthy, and am unable to act with a true sense of self.

I lose my ability to be silly, to say what’s really on my mind, and to love people, places, and things wholeheartedly. I lose my confidence.

In her research Brene notes that it’s those who have sense of love and belonging believe they’re worth it and that is only achieved through expressing vulnerability.

When I think of the people for whom I have a deep fondness and admiration for, it’s the people who are unapologetically themselves. People who aren’t afraid to show their scars, embrace their flaws, and most importantly, do the same for others.

No one likes to log-in to Facebook or scroll Instagram and read sad or ‘bad’ stories – the news does that for us enough, but today, I wanted to be a bit more of an open book and share a few fears, failures, and f’ing embarrassing moments with you. I’m doing this because in a crowded digital world of perfect pictures, epic vacations, white picket fenced families, and curated closets, it can be easy to feel alone and isolated.

It’s too easy feel like the first-timer at a new class in life, but you’re not.  You’re not alone. I promise, you’re not the only one thinking or feeling that.  I think the more we share our highs and lows and cheer on the highs and support the lows of others, the more we can connect, embrace, and feel fulfilled.

We’re in it together.

I’ve shared this with a few people and they’ve said I have the exact same thing! Simply sharing these stories with others helps us feel more connected and less alone.  If you’re up for it, feel free to share in the comments section or send me an email with yours 🙂

Please note…these are just a few of mine…I am sure that I’ve mentally blocked others!

ON VULNERABILITY: FAILURES, FEARS, & F’ING EMBARRASSING MOMENTS

• DRUNK DIAL. Right after college, I went back for the reunion.  There was a guy I liked there, I had wayyyyy too much to drink (something that happened way too much) and I called someone 42 times. Yes. 42 times. 2 voicemails may have been left as well. I felt like I wanted to vomit the entire next day of pure embarrassment.  They told me they were flattered, but I think they were just being nice.
• GIRL WITH NO JOB. In May, the company I worked for closed. It didn’t have anything to do with me nor was it a reflection of anyone else’s work, but it sucked. While I’m being very specific and targeted in my search for the next job I take, it hasn’t happened yet. It’s been almost 5 months. This makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me & my skills.

• RESPECT YOUR ELDERS When I was at my first job as an administrative assistant, I was cutting nametags and my boss was upset because I was doing it wrong. I told her I wasn’t done and would cut off the edges and decided to add in ‘so I suppose this isn’t in your job description…’ it didn’t go over well. I had a pit in my stomach for about a week after that.

• OVER PREPARE AND THEN GO WITH THE FLOW. It was the first time I had a really big meeting with executives at one of my jobs. I prepared the whole week.  First one in to the office and last one to leave. When I got to the meeting the person in charge looked at everything I prepared and said ‘what is this’ – we can’t even talk about this. Next time please be more prepared. I wanted to crawl inside a hole and die.
  
• IT’S CALLED A YUR-O. About 8 years ago, my two girlfriends and I took a trip to California and we got connected with this guy. This REALLY good looking guy. I was obsessed. Anyways, he came out to lunch with us and we went to a Greek spot and I was going to get one of my favorite meals. A GYRO. The waiter came and I said ‘yes I’ll have the JI-RO…he ordered a YUR-O. It seems so silly but I felt sooo mortified.
• SELF WORTH I struggle every day with self-worth. I find myself disliking many things about me
• FEARS…
  • I’m afraid I’ll never fall in love. I’m afraid that it’s passed me by. That I’ve met and dated so many nice guys but never truly let myself open up to them…a couple in particular.
  • I’m afraid that because I’ll never fall in love, I’ll never have a family of my own…but do I even want kids? And if I don’t is that bad!? But I do when I meet the right person! But then…once I do will I be too old? Should I freeze my eggs?
  • I’m scared I’m searching in all the wrong places for a job.
  • I’m often fearful that the things I’m thinking are REALLY weird! Like what if I’m just a really WEIRD person?
  • I listen to other podcasts and am afraid the project I’m working on is going to suck. (hint, hint.)
  • I’m afraid I’ll fail. That I’ll try something and fall down and not be able to get back up.
  • Sometimes I’m afraid that I’m not a good person. I’ll catch myself gossiping about something that’s unimportant and feel really bad.
  • I’m afraid I’m not good enough in SO MANY WAYS.

Life isn’t perfect; not mine, not anyone’s. Feeling perfectly comfortable, secure, and confident in our actions & decisions isn’t the norm. But it’s hard in our culture where perfection is praised and success is demanded to less our weaknesses and our vulnerabilities show.

I’d like to challenge you to let those walls down.  Show your perfect imperfections. I think if we do, we’ll all have a life just a little more love for a life well-lived.